Even though they’re no longer a couple, Brad Pitt and
Angelina Jolie both recently confirmed they put safety measures on the Internet
to provide boundaries for their children. They definitely plan to keep watch on
their social media use as they age. Apple CEO Tim Cook recently suggested he
wouldn’t want his nephew on a social network. Years ago, Apple Founder Steve
Jobs said he didn’t want his kids to even own an iPad. Why? It’s simple.
Children’s health experts warned (on Facebook) that excessive use of digital
devices and social media “is harmful to children and teens.”
I meet faculty and parents frequently who are sharing these
concerns and asking the same questions about social media use. I realize I’ve
written much about this in the past, but maybe a short Q and A guide, based on
research, would be helpful here.
1. How much is too
much social media use?
One study by UNICEF, reports that “some time on social media
is actually good” and that “digital technology seems to be beneficial for
children’s social relationships.” On social media we can connect with friends,
give to charities and be informed of what’s happening around the world. With
too much time, however, screens can become damaging to our mental health. The
key is to separate understandable concerns with actual data on the subject.
Believe it or not, the average teen today spends about 9
hours a day on a screen. That’s like a full-time job. According to Monitoring
the Future, just two hours on social media has been shown to contribute to
anxiety and unhappiness among teens. I suggest, a 60-90 minute limit each day.
The other hours should be filled with face-to-face hours with friends, sports,
work, activities, studies and family. This ratio has been shown to produce
happier kids and better students. Further, it results in more satisfied young
adults. I recognize this will be a major shift for some teens—so if you choose
to do this, start with a conversation about making a slow steady change.
2. Should we monitor our kids’ social media use? If so, how?
Parents differ on their opinions about whether to check what
their kids are doing on social media sites. Some believe their children deserve
privacy and should not worry about mom or dad checking on them. I differ, only
because I’ve seen too many case studies of kids not being fully aware of the
dangers of predators, mental health issues and even cyber-bullies who hide
behind a screen to wreak havoc on peers. What’s more, teens receive propositions
from adults with wrong intentions and from others who engage in sexting. The
teens in our focus groups told us boldly, “My parents have no idea what my life
is like at night and what I do on social media.” This suggests to me that
they’re up to something their parents may not support. The statistics reveal
that 71% of teens admit to hiding on-line activities from their parents. As
long as they are minors, I believe it’s wise for parents or guardians to check
their children’s social media posts.
So, here are some apps you can explore to monitor your
teen’s activity on a phone:
1. Norton
This allows you to set phone time limits and filter web
content coming in.
2. TeenSafe
This allows you to track your child’s calls, texts, GPS and
social media activity.
3. MobSafetyRangerBrowser
This enables you to view your child’s website browsing and
set time limits.
4. PhoneSheriff
This enables you to do all of the above, but it is available
for fewer devices.
5. DinnerTime
This allows you to limit phone Internet use during family
meals.
6. Qustodio
This allows you to track and set a phone curfew where phones
shut down.
There are actually several other apps that empower a parent
to know what’s happening on their child’s phone. While they are minors, I think
you should know.
One other idea might be for parents encourage their children
to use privacy settings to ensure their posts are going out to a select set of
friends.
3. What are some symptoms that a student needs to cut back
on social media?
According to Common Sense Media, 50% of teens say they are
addicted to their cell phone. While CSM concludes more study is needed to
determine how deep digital addiction is, teens feel the symptoms and
consequences of it. It’s a growing issue in middle class America. Two-thirds of
parents, 66%, feel their teens spend too much time on their mobile device.
Phones have now replaced teens hanging out at the mall or at the movies. It’s a
new day.
There are a number of signals a young person naturally sends
that they’ve spent too much time on
social media platforms or on their mobile
device in general:
• Withdrawing
from face-to-face social interaction.
• Consistent
anxiety, stress or feeling overwhelmed by normal routines.
• Grades
begin to slip and assignments reflect poor work or are left undone.
• Avoidance
of real life responsibilities, such as chores or homework.
• Ill at
ease, ill-equipped or unresponsive to people in front of them.
• Phubbing—teens
snub people next to them by looking down at their phone.
• Phones
begin to create conflict in their closest relationships.
A few years ago, I suggested a group of college students
“surrender their phones” for a day. It was an experiment. What did we all
discover? The first two hours were horrific, not unlike a drug addict giving up
their drugs, cold turkey. After a couple of hours, however, the day began to
feel less stressful. The students felt liberated from the tether of their
device. By the day’s end, they told me how nice it was to not be enslaved to
that phone and that they wanted to “unplug” on a regular basis.
4. How do I handle arguments about their portable device?
Millions of parents have walked into landmines, as they
disagree with their child on any number of mobile phone use or social media
sites. Emotional debates occur, which can divide parents and kids and lead to a
breakdown in communication.
I have a suggestion that has worked for many parents along
the way. It’s a step that not only guides the conversations on this topic but
prepares teens for the world they are about to mature into as adults: a
contract.
In 2013, I posted an article on our blog page about a “phone
contract” between a mom and her child. The mother had purchased her daughter’s
phone (as is usually the case) and the agreement enabled her (from the
beginning) to outline the terms. In it, she basically reminds her child that
Mom bought the phone and, therefore, owns the phone. Any time the child
violates the agreement, the child must give up the device for a period of time.
This is not unlike a contract a customer might enter with AT&T or Sprint or
some other carrier. The difference is, this agreement is laced with love and
understanding. If a parent hosts a conversation and lays out the terms before
purchasing the device, things generally go better. Both parties agree to it and
sign it. The key is that the parent must stick to the terms and enforce them.
5. Should we be friends with our children on social media?
This probably depends on the personality and age of your child.
Some parents and kids connect well via smart phone and others do not. According
to Pew Research:
• 53% are
friends with their parents. This tends to work better when the child is between
12-14. By ages 15-21 it often feels “smothering” to them. Then, later as a
young adult, it seems to feel OK again to them.
• 47% are
friends with their children on Facebook. This feels nice to the parent but it’s
usually the reason many teens get off Facebook and on to other sites.
• 41% are
connected with people they have never met in person. Teens do this because it
feels adventuresome, yet safe. After all, it’s only a screen. Later, however,
it often leads to LMIRL: Let’s Meet In Real Life and can be dangerous.
Whatever the case, most parents can bank on one thing for
sure: your child may befriend you on a social media site like Facebook or
Instagram, but they likely have platforms where they use false identities you
know nothing about. A parent may assume they know all about their teens, but
would be shocked if they knew the total amount of personas their children
actually use.
For example, consider “Finsta.” This is a fake Instagram
persona, where teens can create a totally fraudulent identity and post things
you may never know about. They might have five Snapchat accounts. Or, several
Twitter accounts. Just know that if you and your child connect on one platform,
that doesn’t mean it’s the only one they use. It may be helpful to talk about
this with them, or even talk to one of their friends to naturally discover if
there are any personas you don’t know about.
I may sounds like an “old school” leader who’s just not up
with the times. I contend, however, our kids need good leadership from us.
Their phones can be helpful rather than damaging if we lead them intentionally.
* Post take from Tim Elmore's Growing Leaders Blog
